"Believing is such a delicate thing. Doubt is just like belief because it is fed by thoughts and meditations of the heart. When food for doubt tries to enter, it is our obligation as Christians to reject it. Food for belief is to be sought after then cultivated, grown then harvested, eaten then shared at the table of love. Do not forsake the gatherings because there we are fed the food of faith and our belief is nurtured and gains strength. If doubt tries to corrupt the mind then we've only to seek God's face more passionately. Wrap yourself around His arm through the dark storm of disillusionment and deception. Belief is commanded."
I wrote the above passage in my journal today because I have been battling some unusual thoughts. I go through seasons when the enemy attacks me with deep doubts about the existence of God. It's almost tempting to forget the fourteen years I've spent seeking the truth and finding God through manifestations of Christ all around me. When I am caught up in the moment and start to entertain the nonsense of altered realities out of sheer boredom, I am treading on dangerous ground. It's almost as if I have come to the edge of the path and the darkness and emptiness in a world without God is so horrible it is almost sickly fascinating. There are some beautiful-looking things dancing in the distance and I dare to squint and take a small step forward out of curiosity. I pause, remembering that the Lord in His merciful love has already solved that mystery for me: they are nothing but corpses blowing in the wind. While the God-created wind is beautiful, there is nothing enticing about death. That's all there is whenever I smell the air of doubt that blows across my mind. That split second when you think it might be someone barbecuing and then you realize it's burnt hair you smell, that's doubt. It ain't no barbecue.
Father, please purge all doubt from me with Your gentle yet powerful moving hand. My dream is to see You in every moment of my day, having Your presence fill every inhale and expressing Your joy with every exhale. Please let me never look away from Your face, no matter what storm may be raging around me. Amen.