8/10/2011

Hey Jealousy


When I see people with an amazing love for God I doubt their authenticity. They are the first ones I scrutinize to see if they are for real or not. I am pretty easy on non-believers or even new believers. But when it comes to people who worship with abandon and talk about God the way I feel about Him, I start to cross my arms in speculation. Even some of my most favorite Christian musicians and even close friends could find me doubting their love for our Father. When they prove that they truly have His Spirit and love Him as much or more than it appears, then I am simply jealous. It's like I don't want anyone to be able to boast of His affections the way I can. I want to have Him all to myself and my love for Him can't compare to anyone else's. I hope God is ok with that childishness in me. I suppose there are far worse ways to be jealous.

When my son Gabriel does something good, we celebrate him. Then my daughter, who's two years older than him boasts that she can do the same thing, and "more better, even"! There is a cute jealousy that happens there. I feel like God may want to remind me of the same thing I remind Elianna of when she tries to diminish Gabriel's accomplishments. We tell her, "Gabriel is still a baby, so when he says, 'please' it is quite a big deal! You shouldn't have to be rewarded for something any big girl should always do." I still make sure to recognize when Elianna is being polite or caring to others, but we don't say, "Yaaaay!" and give a bunch of high fives every time she behaves herself. It starts to become expected and the bar is raised. I tell Elianna, "You worry about your own behavior, not your brother's. Don't tattle and don't boss."

If I would focus my heart on my relationship with God then I wouldn't have time to compare myself to others. I see the women and men with arms raised or weeping on the floor and my first thought is: Are they for REAL? I mean, if they are then I want what they have. But if they aren't then that is too sad and I can't bear to watch a fake. I'm not going to try and outdo them with my praise for fear of making it about me, but I do want to know more of the love of God. I'm jealous of Abraham, Moses, and Mary Magdalene. My goal is to have the same faith as they did. Not because I want the recognition but because I want to be that close to God.

Another thing that Elianna and Gabriel are famous for is making me feel super loved. My favorite is when I've been gone for a little while and they run to me yelling, "Momeeeeee!" and grab hold of each of my legs. I am practically toppled by their love and need. It's the greatest feeling I know. But the interesting thing is that when one of them sees me first, the other one comes running just as loudly and quickly if not "more better, even". They stop short of pushing the other child away to get more of me. In fact, it's almost as thought their adoration of me is made more fun because they are doing it together. Elianna will often start tickling and chasing Gabriel with sheer excitement to be feeling secure with Mommy or Papa. If she were to push him down and say, "MY Mama!" then she would surely be disciplined. But I know there are times when she wants to be the baby and get all the cuddles and loves that her brother seems to get a lot of at times.

So God must love when His children run to Him in groups. Some run faster and some yell louder. I want to be the first in line to latch onto His leg and smile up into His face. I want to be watching for Him every day, all the time so I can be one of the children that are 'in-the-know' with the Father. I want to feel like my relationship with Him is unique and special. Like one of many children I don't want to be the silent one who gets lost in the background. I want to be a Daddy's girl, always needing His presence and approval. I don't want to be like any other believer. He reassures me that I'm not. He is infinite enough to always have a place on His lap for me. He is accessible enough to never be too busy to listen to me. He is omniscient enough to have His complete focus on my devotion to Him while also giving undivided attention to each individual worshiper. My job is to worry about my own worship and my own relationship. But I think it's a good thing that I want to be the favorite kid.