10/24/2012

Eyes for Me

I'm so excited I can barely focus. I just got out of a Theophostic Prayer meeting with two of my favorite sisters in Christ. I knew I was going to receive a word from the Lord Jesus, and He is ever so faithful. This blog is to share some of what took place just a little bit ago.

Some of the feelings I have been dealing with have been associated with a deeper longing for significance. Through the process of the prayer intervention I was able to see that the longing is rooted in my childhood. My brother had leukemia as a toddler and I was born right in the middle of his cancer treatments. He survived, thank God, and is a healthy father of one sweet nephew of mine. Anyway, being born into such a trying time for a couple to go through (and also being conceived while my mother had an IUD to prevent pregnancy) I started to sense that I was somewhat of an inconvenience. While my parents did their best to help me feel loved and that I was important to them, my brother had some very big needs that were constantly needing attention. The inevitable place I found myself in was second: second-born, second-loved, and second in the amount of needs I had. Let me just say that I most assuredly was loved and cherished by my parents. They did the best they could and they did an amazing job raising us with what they had to work with. This is in no way a rant against them. They just aren't God.

The enemy of my soul managed to convince me that I simply wasn't significant. He whispered to me with his malicious words that I was a nobody and a big problem for everyone. While my parents did their best at loving me, nothing could fill my emptiness. I needed God's truth to expel the lies. Both Mom and Dad told me of Jesus' love that had Him die on the cross for me. But seen through the lens of me being a big problem, I still didn't understand how He could love me. What an inconvenient child I was! That was what I felt in my heart and the enemy took advantage of that feeling and it became my personal reality.

Enter Jesus, lover of my soul...where He goes, healing abounds! Today I was grasping for images so I could hear His voice. From far away I received a fuzzy transmission. It was a giant obelisk standing on a grassy hill overlooking the ocean. At first, now that I look back, I was holding it in my hand and then I placed it on that hill. It was shiny, cold and sharp. But I felt that there was something useful and significant actually within the thing itself. Could it be a protective covering over...a lighthouse? Suddenly "This Little Light of Mine" jumped into my head and I started making connections. This was quite a bushel to hide my light under! So we inquired of the LORD what it meant. After going down several rabbit trails and taking a few healing detours we discovered there was a lot to this feeling of insignificance. At the end of the meeting I was returned to the image of the metal structure. We asked the LORD if He had anything more to say to me about the image. I thought I would see it start to crack and crumble and the light would come streaming out. I'd even spoken before about how the metal obelisk reflected the sun's rays and sent it who-knows-where depending on the curvature of its sides. Also that a lighthouse has a light of its own and shine from within. All of that sounds very interesting, but it was from me. God had something different to say about it.

Looking at the hill with the big metal thing on it I waited for it to reveal its true identity as a light house. Suddenly, BLIP! It was gone... and no lighthouse either. Tilt the camera down and there, hugging her knees, was a happy little girl gazing Heavenward. My heart flooded with God's love for me. Just a beautiful little girl enjoying her Heavenly Father's presence; that's what He wants me to be. How simple and divine! After I cried for a while I realized what I had to become. I'm not some hard and angular tower on display for him and neither am I a lighthouse who's only concern is guiding and warning others of danger. He pulled me out of my mindset of significance and usefulness and showed me what I am to be.

You see, another vision He gave me was of eyes all around me, looking at me. I was looking back at them, too. So many eyes! In my heart I wasn't afraid of them, but I was comforted by them. Most of my reading lately has centered around idols. It all came together today as I realized that I had made an idol out of all the eyes that watch. If I worship the eyes of people and what they see, then I am focusing on myself and being selfish and self-absorbed. The only answer would be to become unselfconscious and selfless. When I rid my life of the idol of those eyes watching, I will truly be free to gaze upward and focus my eyes where they should be. Then I will be that girl on a peaceful hill overlooking His marvelous creation and knowing that nothing is as beautiful as He. His are the only eyes for me.

10/17/2012

Discovering a Weed

What a nightmare! The place that I was the other day was certainly a dark and miserable place. But Jesus reached out His hand and grabbed hold of mine just as I started to go under. It's a good thing I reached out via blog and Facebook when I did. A dear friend answered my cry for help and was able to listen to me. She gave me some priceless advice straight from Heaven.

It seems as though I am harboring some unforgiveness in my heart. The revelation of it actually brought me comfort! You mean, it's just a damnable weed?! I am relieved to know there is hope for me in God's forgiveness and in the cleansing blood of the Lamb. It is also enlightening to me how destructive this fast-growing bitterness can be. When I flipped out the other night it was because my relationship with God was strained. There was sin wrapped around my heart, keeping me from hearing Him and receiving His love. I hate sin even more now for the terror I felt that night. I never want to be distant from God again. I can't think of a worse... hell.

I am looking forward to a meeting I will be having with a mentor of mine next week. She guides what is called a Theophostic Prayer session. It is a deep prayer time where we ask Jesus to address the root causes of dark emotions. It's been over a year since I had my last meeting with her so I think there will definitely be something for Jesus to uproot. I hope to make time to write about what the Lord shows me, if I can wrap my head around it.

Thank you for your loving words of encouragement and prayers. I hope to never have an episode like that again. Now I know the warning signs better and will be quicker to allow God access to the dark places in my heart. Dark corners are a dangerous thing and we can be overcome when a seed of unforgiveness is planted there. Once again I am awestruck by God's grace and love. I don't even feel a hint of shame from my outburst. He has forgiven me completely. The event served it's purpose and I'm now at peace and content in the arms of pure Love Himself. Together we will keep moving on and forget what lies behind.

10/15/2012

Desperation

I have utterly failed God... again. After a weekend filled with God's presence and revelation I come home to this old battle that has worn me thin for weeks. How did I know that I would fail? Because the anger has taken up residence in my heart. What isn't anger is apathy. I am so tired of talking to people about my issues that I'm sure they are tired of it, also. What the enemy hasn't done with his brutal attacks on me he has done with his unrelenting persistence on the ones I love. He's worn me down. I'm completely helpless in my failure. Depression is haunting my every move. It's seeping into every area of my life. I've had an unbridled destructive tongue toward my husband and zero patience with my kids. My ability to have compassion on others is lost in my desperate need to be saved from this darkness. I have nothing to offer and am unworthy of any blessing I might stumble upon. I can't shake this sense that I've failed God and should be punished with tragedy. At this point I am awaiting His judgment and whatever discipline He sees fit to put me through.

But...

God is love. He forgives, restores, and reinstates. But not before I weep bitterly and cover myself in dust and ashes. Not before I turn back to what little I can do of my own strength and abandon any hope that He could use me in His kingdom. My weaknesses are glaringly apparent so that it's hard to drag myself around my house. But His mercies endure forever. He hasn't taken away my family, yet. I pushed my husband to the brink last night so I'm not sure if he'll stick around for more of that treatment. But he hasn't left yet.

Oh God of hope! Spare me, please. I'm at Your mercy and have nothing to offer You but a broken and pitiful shell of a woman. Make me a hired servant in Your kingdom and allow me to wash Your feet with my tears. Let me touch the hem of Your robe so I can feel Your wholeness again. Protect the ones I love from the evil one. May I have the crumbs that fall from Your table? These things I ask of You because of who You are, not because of who I am. I have no right or place to ask these things of You. But I am appealing to Your mercy and love. Your word says that You love us, Your sorry sinful creatures. Please don't abandon me in my distress or leave me in this place of darkness.

10/06/2012

Future and Hope


I was thinking about all I have. There was a moment as I was walking down the street with kids and the thought occurred to me, "I'm completely safe." There was no one hiding in the bushes to kidnap me and the kids and sell us into trafficking or turn us into murderers with automatic weapons. We were just walking to the park to enjoy the equipment that is maintained by our governing agencies across a lawn that is mowed regularly. The peaceful Oregon air wasn't broken with gunfire or sirens and there was no smell of human waste on the breeze.

The majority of this world would look at my "day in the life of a stay-at-home-mom" and think I lived in a heavenly paradise. So there are many broken people behind the scenes, a holocaust happening right under our noses, and corrupted power in nearly every office building. But I thank God that my kids and I are safe. There may be a rogue drunk driver or a losing battle with cancer in my future, but the chances are better that I'll live a long life. My daughter already cheated death three times because we could obtain antibiotics for a dry birth and a couple of common infections. Antibiotics are a grace and mercy from God, if you ask me! So is the United States and the nearly 250 years it's been around. I've won the lottery by being born here and it's taken me till now to really see that.

Is the world going to Hell in a designer handbag? Yes. But I am teaching my kids to follow Jesus and my hope is that they'll teach my grand-kids even better than I did. Could the world exist for several more generations and collect millions more children for God's Kingdom? The thought hadn't occurred to me until now.

I have been looking to the sky for my Lord's return since before I even knew His love for me. I couldn't have imagined I would live to be thirty, let alone thirty-four! When I was sinking beneath the weight of my vices and trying to breathe the mud of my fears I was sure that my useless carcass would be best used as fertilizer someday. My only hope was to die and be at God's mercy for whatever the afterlife brought. Back then, even as I began walking with Jesus, I believed humanity was mostly a waste of space. From the news on television to the meanness of my generation I was convinced that our world was as close as it ever would be to the wrath of God and to the End. But the other day on my walk my eyes were opened.

God does not wish that anyone should perish. If there is one person in our future that will choose Him, and therefore be chosen by Him, He will allow this world to continue. Will my grandchild be the last born child of God? Somehow I doubt that. Believers in the most ravaged countries of the world are sharing a Christlike faith to their generation that will never make it to age thirty. Their faith makes American Christians look like spiritual nursing infants. They are dancing to the slaughter as others watch and believe because of them. Heaven is not going to have a small remnant. Millions and billions and maybe even more than that will be added!

I thought we were close to the End so I gave up hope for future generations. Having children has helped my hope and strengthened my resolve. We could have another several hundred years with the way God is helping me raise my kids! Unless martyrdom sweeps across our nation as it has all over the world, my family will be sure to rake in a good couple hundred for the Kingdom. The lovely thing is: God will tell His story as He wants to. I'm just happy to be a part of it.