10/15/2012

Desperation

I have utterly failed God... again. After a weekend filled with God's presence and revelation I come home to this old battle that has worn me thin for weeks. How did I know that I would fail? Because the anger has taken up residence in my heart. What isn't anger is apathy. I am so tired of talking to people about my issues that I'm sure they are tired of it, also. What the enemy hasn't done with his brutal attacks on me he has done with his unrelenting persistence on the ones I love. He's worn me down. I'm completely helpless in my failure. Depression is haunting my every move. It's seeping into every area of my life. I've had an unbridled destructive tongue toward my husband and zero patience with my kids. My ability to have compassion on others is lost in my desperate need to be saved from this darkness. I have nothing to offer and am unworthy of any blessing I might stumble upon. I can't shake this sense that I've failed God and should be punished with tragedy. At this point I am awaiting His judgment and whatever discipline He sees fit to put me through.

But...

God is love. He forgives, restores, and reinstates. But not before I weep bitterly and cover myself in dust and ashes. Not before I turn back to what little I can do of my own strength and abandon any hope that He could use me in His kingdom. My weaknesses are glaringly apparent so that it's hard to drag myself around my house. But His mercies endure forever. He hasn't taken away my family, yet. I pushed my husband to the brink last night so I'm not sure if he'll stick around for more of that treatment. But he hasn't left yet.

Oh God of hope! Spare me, please. I'm at Your mercy and have nothing to offer You but a broken and pitiful shell of a woman. Make me a hired servant in Your kingdom and allow me to wash Your feet with my tears. Let me touch the hem of Your robe so I can feel Your wholeness again. Protect the ones I love from the evil one. May I have the crumbs that fall from Your table? These things I ask of You because of who You are, not because of who I am. I have no right or place to ask these things of You. But I am appealing to Your mercy and love. Your word says that You love us, Your sorry sinful creatures. Please don't abandon me in my distress or leave me in this place of darkness.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry to hear of your turmoils. I do wish to drive one thing home to you. God is NOT a punisher. We do plenty on our own to create pain in our lives. Even without the influence3of evil WE make decisions to err, WE cease to work on negative behavioral habits, often with the defense " Well, I'm not perfect!"

Some of our behaviors come from imbalance, some from self-centeredness, some from the mistaken notion that we know more than we actually do.

If your mouth continues to get you into trouble or creates chaos in your marital relationship, stuff a sock in it and wait...wait...wait, my daughter. Don't think I am joking either...sometimes it takes radical efforts to break bad habits.

I love you very much,

Momma