What a nightmare! The place that I was the other day was certainly a dark and miserable place. But Jesus reached out His hand and grabbed hold of mine just as I started to go under. It's a good thing I reached out via blog and Facebook when I did. A dear friend answered my cry for help and was able to listen to me. She gave me some priceless advice straight from Heaven.
It seems as though I am harboring some unforgiveness in my heart. The revelation of it actually brought me comfort! You mean, it's just a damnable weed?! I am relieved to know there is hope for me in God's forgiveness and in the cleansing blood of the Lamb. It is also enlightening to me how destructive this fast-growing bitterness can be. When I flipped out the other night it was because my relationship with God was strained. There was sin wrapped around my heart, keeping me from hearing Him and receiving His love. I hate sin even more now for the terror I felt that night. I never want to be distant from God again. I can't think of a worse... hell.
I am looking forward to a meeting I will be having with a mentor of mine next week. She guides what is called a Theophostic Prayer session. It is a deep prayer time where we ask Jesus to address the root causes of dark emotions. It's been over a year since I had my last meeting with her so I think there will definitely be something for Jesus to uproot. I hope to make time to write about what the Lord shows me, if I can wrap my head around it.
Thank you for your loving words of encouragement and prayers. I hope to never have an episode like that again. Now I know the warning signs better and will be quicker to allow God access to the dark places in my heart. Dark corners are a dangerous thing and we can be overcome when a seed of unforgiveness is planted there. Once again I am awestruck by God's grace and love. I don't even feel a hint of shame from my outburst. He has forgiven me completely. The event served it's purpose and I'm now at peace and content in the arms of pure Love Himself. Together we will keep moving on and forget what lies behind.