I'm so excited I can barely focus. I just got out of a Theophostic Prayer meeting with two of my favorite sisters in Christ. I knew I was going to receive a word from the Lord Jesus, and He is ever so faithful. This blog is to share some of what took place just a little bit ago.
Some of the feelings I have been dealing with have been associated with a deeper longing for significance. Through the process of the prayer intervention I was able to see that the longing is rooted in my childhood. My brother had leukemia as a toddler and I was born right in the middle of his cancer treatments. He survived, thank God, and is a healthy father of one sweet nephew of mine. Anyway, being born into such a trying time for a couple to go through (and also being conceived while my mother had an IUD to prevent pregnancy) I started to sense that I was somewhat of an inconvenience. While my parents did their best to help me feel loved and that I was important to them, my brother had some very big needs that were constantly needing attention. The inevitable place I found myself in was second: second-born, second-loved, and second in the amount of needs I had. Let me just say that I most assuredly was loved and cherished by my parents. They did the best they could and they did an amazing job raising us with what they had to work with. This is in no way a rant against them. They just aren't God.
The enemy of my soul managed to convince me that I simply wasn't significant. He whispered to me with his malicious words that I was a nobody and a big problem for everyone. While my parents did their best at loving me, nothing could fill my emptiness. I needed God's truth to expel the lies. Both Mom and Dad told me of Jesus' love that had Him die on the cross for me. But seen through the lens of me being a big problem, I still didn't understand how He could love me. What an inconvenient child I was! That was what I felt in my heart and the enemy took advantage of that feeling and it became my personal reality.
Enter Jesus, lover of my soul...where He goes, healing abounds! Today I was grasping for images so I could hear His voice. From far away I received a fuzzy transmission. It was a giant obelisk standing on a grassy hill overlooking the ocean. At first, now that I look back, I was holding it in my hand and then I placed it on that hill. It was shiny, cold and sharp. But I felt that there was something useful and significant actually within the thing itself. Could it be a protective covering over...a lighthouse? Suddenly "This Little Light of Mine" jumped into my head and I started making connections. This was quite a bushel to hide my light under! So we inquired of the LORD what it meant. After going down several rabbit trails and taking a few healing detours we discovered there was a lot to this feeling of insignificance. At the end of the meeting I was returned to the image of the metal structure. We asked the LORD if He had anything more to say to me about the image. I thought I would see it start to crack and crumble and the light would come streaming out. I'd even spoken before about how the metal obelisk reflected the sun's rays and sent it who-knows-where depending on the curvature of its sides. Also that a lighthouse has a light of its own and shine from within. All of that sounds very interesting, but it was from me. God had something different to say about it.
Looking at the hill with the big metal thing on it I waited for it to reveal its true identity as a light house. Suddenly, BLIP! It was gone... and no lighthouse either. Tilt the camera down and there, hugging her knees, was a happy little girl gazing Heavenward. My heart flooded with God's love for me. Just a beautiful little girl enjoying her Heavenly Father's presence; that's what He wants me to be. How simple and divine! After I cried for a while I realized what I had to become. I'm not some hard and angular tower on display for him and neither am I a lighthouse who's only concern is guiding and warning others of danger. He pulled me out of my mindset of significance and usefulness and showed me what I am to be.
You see, another vision He gave me was of eyes all around me, looking at me. I was looking back at them, too. So many eyes! In my heart I wasn't afraid of them, but I was comforted by them. Most of my reading lately has centered around idols. It all came together today as I realized that I had made an idol out of all the eyes that watch. If I worship the eyes of people and what they see, then I am focusing on myself and being selfish and self-absorbed. The only answer would be to become unselfconscious and selfless. When I rid my life of the idol of those eyes watching, I will truly be free to gaze upward and focus my eyes where they should be. Then I will be that girl on a peaceful hill overlooking His marvelous creation and knowing that nothing is as beautiful as He. His are the only eyes for me.