I couldn't care how my actions affected the people around me before I had kids. Everyone who was surprised or misled by my choices were adults and would have to just learn to deal with my unpredictability. I had come face to face time and again with the brick walls of self-doubt and crippling emotional roadblocks so that in order to survive I had to relocate. I'd make plans and begin my journey of taking risks and giving it everything I had. It cost me so much, but I gained so much wisdom through each experience. For some reason I could never get past a certain point to find success.
Rest. Stillness. How is that even possible in this culture? The fast-paced life of L.A. and the entertainment machine calls out for dreamers like me. It was dizzying and disorienting how fast and hard everything was there. People could rarely be trusted to be real, ambitions reigned, and relationships were disposable. If you couldn't keep up then you'd be trampled under. I escaped with my life. But it wasn't until about ten years later that I'd find peace.
God knew that children would mellow me out. Not because they are boring, no way! But because they slow us down if we let them. I keep asking the Lord if I should jump back into the fray and do something other than just parent. But I have a feeling that I won't be permitted to do anything but be with the kids until I learn to be as the kids. Rest. Stillness. Like a little child who has no choice but to trust, I must let go. Flop into the arms of my Heavenly Father.
What do I have? If I am to do what I can with it, I should know what it is. I have proof of God's hand in my life. I have His provision for all that I need. I have protection from anything that would prevent me from growing closer to Him. I have purpose as I live His plan for me. What can I do with all that? It sounds pretty cozy to me. It seems as though I have a very sweet place to get some rest. Lord knows I need it.