Writing on this blog now seems a little dangerous. Sitting on a witness stand, being forced to testify that I'm not suicidal and unsafe for my children can do that. A few of my blog posts and journals were printed and photocopied, highlighted and taken out of context with the intent of making me look like an unfit mother. Divorce, even the kind that is necessary, is a brutal process.
Scare tactics. It happens in the animal kingdom all the time. Plumage and hair stand up tall in an attempt to make an animal look bigger. Gorillas pound their chests and big cats and dogs show their teeth. Growling, roaring, stomping, snorting; it's all used to frighten and intimidate. Animals do it to protect themselves and their young. People do it to gain power and control. Posturing and threatening, a man I once trusted used the information that he'd collected during a convenant relationship to destroy me. It's as if he could only see the trophy with the inscribed words of "Full Custody of the Three Children" written on it. His freshly polished shoes stomping ten years of my life into the ground without a moment of hesitation.
Predators are quiet, beautiful, stealthy, and before you know it they're on top of you. The weak and helpless can't keep up with the herd so they're picked off as easy prey. Captured in the powerful jaws of a stronger creature, the vulnerable is robbed of life in order to feed the appetite of the corrupted. Blood and guts. It's almost like I could see it flying around the courtroom that day. I was sick with the carnage I witnessed. I was ripped apart. But I walked away whole.
Death was not part of the original design for this world. The "circle of life" came about when man rejected God. Born, live, die, replenish the earth with decaying matter that once was living. The ways of this world always return to the dust from which they came. I tasted dust that day in court. My mouth dried up and my words sounded distant to my ears. With intense pain I faced reality. The judge favored the predator. With God-given bravery I refused even then to play the game their way. I wouldn't attack him.
"Do not resist an evil person." the words of Jesus whispered silently in my spirit. Oh, how I've wrestled with my God! I've cried out in sobs, "Why would you send Your precious sheep out amongst vicious wolves?" He answered me with a call to courage. He addresses His little children as mighty men and women of valor! Small and surrendered to Him in our weakness, we have no choice but to take His word for it. He knows how we'll do out there. God knows what Satan doesn't know about us. God knows what we don't know about ourselves.
I look like easy prey. I make a lot of noise and draw attention to myself. Predators awaken at the sound of me carelessly rustling the bushes near their dens. It's true, I was clueless and fell right into the trap. I was torn up and down and left for dead. You could almost say I walked right into it. Like a child, I believed I could make it. I knew my Shepherd waited for me on the other side.
The wounds I carry are still shiny and red and cause me pain. Other predators smell the blood. But there is something new in my eyes now. I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a veteran. I was rescued from the dinner table. The death I experienced gave me new life.
I would never wish for anyone to go through wrongfully losing custody of their children. The shock of watching their father and his lawyer unabashedly lie under oath; the incredulity of realizing the court was swallowing every twisted untruth on their plate; the system that rewards people who exploit honest mistakes and use them to their own advantage. No grace. No mercy. Just the law. Down came the gavel.
There was a time that I was unaware that my husband was manipulating me and taking advantage of my weaknesses. I wrote things about him that sounded like praise and adoration because I sincerely believed that deep down he meant well. But he only ever meant to win. There was never a time when he loved me. I can write that now without tears because... it won't be wasted time.
God is doing something mysterious. I have never trusted Him more than I do now, even after all the destruction He's allowed. His plan has little to do with the temporal and everything to do with the eternal. I pray for His unfathomable mercy for the people who tried to eat me alive. The LORD God will fight for me. I feel sorry for anyone who tries to stop Him.